Oppo, in need of advise

"DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By" (ducst3-red-1liter-standing-by) 09/05/2018 at 16:46 • Filed to: None

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So I think I am coming down with my quarter life crisis, if such a thing exists, and not in the traditional sense.

So back story. About 4 years ago, I finished my undergrad, and moved to California on a whim. From there, I found a job in a research lab through a neighbor, where I still more of less spend my days. One day, this stunning woman walks in, introduces herself, and things go from there. 3 Months ago, we got married! (strange how life turns out)

Anyway, back to my crisis. Its strange how married life is the same, but different. In the past, I did things for me, and only me. Now, I am always thinking about how things effect us, and only us. Gone is the selfish attitude, and as I stare here at our framed wedding picture on our desk, its tough the think back to those selfish days.

This is the root of my problems. I am hesitant to ride by bike anymore. It genuinely gives me cause for concern. Not for the lack of my riding abilities, but the rest of the cell phone wielding, Starbucks drinking, Instagram loving scum who we must share the road with. The thought of anything happening to me, or worse, my wife, as she quite often rides on back, will not leave me alone.

Now it might be easier to say, just ride more safe. Believe me, I don’t think I can get much safer. I take courses, ride with all (and I mean all) gear, don’t drink and ride etc.

I went riding this past weekend and I enjoyed myself, but that nagging thoughts kept creeping back. What if, what if.

So am I not sure what to do. I love my bike, and selling it to anyone would surely result in heart break, we’ve been on far to many adventures. But surely the woman I married is far more important than any piece of steel and plastic, no matter how loud and Italian it is.

My wife, bless her, says she will suppo rt whichever decision, and certainly won’t make me sell it, but I might be talking myself into it.

Sorry for the ramblings, I think getting things out on ‘paper’ helps my decision making. Any older oppos care to give some sage advise?

The Ghost of Oppo > DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By 09/05/2018 at 16:55

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I went through something similar recently, and this might be blasphemy to say on Oppo, but I sold my motorcycle and bought a proper full suspension mountain bike and I couldn’t be happier. I still get my two wheel adrenaline rush and sure it’s still dangerous , but I feel more in control, and it’s a great way to get in shape. I don’t know where you are in CA, but some of the most famous mountain biking destinations in the country are in your state.

DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By > The Ghost of Oppo 09/05/2018 at 16:57

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Thanks! that’ s an idea I have not thought of. I am in Ontario, lots of mountains nearby to scratch that itch.

TheRealBicycleBuck > DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By 09/05/2018 at 17:00

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I gave up on riding, SCUBA, and hang-gliding when my wife got pregnant. While I’ve missed them all , my wife helped me guide those risk-taking tendencies into other activities. She’s the one that suggested I buy a fast car. She’s the one who suggested I start working on my pilot’s license. She’s also the one who makes sure there is plenty of life insurance in case of my untimely demise. :)

Once you have a family (wife included!) , your hobbies change. You will find things that you find interesting that you can do with them. We had kids early on, so most of my new hobbies involved them. It’s how I started coaching basketball, track, and swimming, and it’s also how I became a den leader.

I guess what I’m saying is that you are right - your priorities are changing and that’s a good thing. Find stuff that you both enjoy and have fun together. When the kids come along, you’ll find more new stuff to do as a family. Then when the kids are grown and you are having your mid-life crisis, you can get back on the bike.

TysMagic > DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By 09/05/2018 at 17:01

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While I am not a bike enthusiast, I can definitely relate to this. Growing up an only child with very hands off parents, i t took me an extra long time for that selfishness to adjust. Now almost every decision revolves around the right move for us and our next steps - especially getting closer to family planning time.

I can’t tell you what the right move is for you, but if it’s weighing on you this heavily I do think you’ve nearly answered your own question. The adventures and memories will always be there, that’s something you can’t sell. Stuff is exactly that, stuff. 

DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By > TheRealBicycleBuck 09/05/2018 at 17:03

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Thanks man, that’ s damn near poetry to my ears. Cheers

crowmolly > DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By 09/05/2018 at 17:07

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Well, you’ve got responsibilities to someone else know. Happens when you get married, have kids, take on other dependents, etc.

Kind of changes your entire frame of reference. Honestly if it’s something nagging at you when you ride and you find yourself not enjoying it as much maybe it’s time to move on. Doesn’t mean you’ll never ride again.

I know plenty of people (myself included) that scaled back “dangerous”  pursuits once their safety mattered to other people. No shame in that at all.

DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By > crowmolly 09/05/2018 at 17:08

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well said

BeaterGT > TheRealBicycleBuck 09/05/2018 at 17:10

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Totally off-topic, but h ow does one get into hang gliding?  I’ve always wanted to do this but alas, NJ is pretty flat.

Akio Ohtori - RIP Oppo > The Ghost of Oppo 09/05/2018 at 17:12

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+1 for mountain bike. I was going to recommend either a mountain bike or a convertible . For once Miata might actually be the answer...

farscythe - makin da cawfee! > DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By 09/05/2018 at 17:24

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you are talking yourself into it...for all the right reasons mind...

might be time to get a motocross bike and hit some local trails instead.. if you have those

or a track toy (spensive... but a lot safer than the roads are)

or like others said... get a nice mountain bike and hurl yourself down some slopes (fun) then haul yourself back up em (hard work... but good for you)

Future next gen S2000 owner > DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By 09/05/2018 at 17:27

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Get disability insurance and good life insurance, lots of it. Those will protect you financial if someone runs you over. Don’t live your life wondering what if someone runs you over. That’s a bad way to go. Live for the moment but don’t be dumb about it. You can’t go through life wondering about all the bad stuff that could befall you. You would never get anything done. You could get hit by a drunk driver. You could get side-swiped by someone having a seizure, roll your car and get pinned inside - saw that one happen on the freeway.

I ride, h ave kiddos and the missus. I won’t stop riding. I just plan for the worst case scenario - a boat load of life insurance and a disability plan. They aren’t cheap but I have piece of mind knowing that if I bite it, the house will be paid off and the missus can afford a nanny. They won’t suffer financial ruin, which it what matters to me.

For what its worth, I ride with the missus and she rides as well. The way I see it, what example would I set to my kids if I didn’t live life to the fullest. I want them to live their life how they want. They just have to be smart about it.

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By 09/05/2018 at 17:29

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Wife is adamant that I not go skydiving and not ever get a bike. I am not a lucky person and she knows it, so I see where she is coming from (I’ve already skydived and thought it was damn awesome) and she gets a hell of a life insurance payout if I kick the bucket, and she still wants me alive.

We are s plitting the difference which for us, really means looking around for used Ariel Atoms to fill the gap. W e already have other cars for just driving.

You seem prepared and know how to get around on a bike, but my odds are typically so bad I don’t gamble either, since I lose at a higher rate to games of chance.

If your wife is truly the end piece to the puzzle of your life, and has your best interests at heart AND pursues them actively with you, then I suggest you listen to her, and maybe you can get your kicks with a car like an Elise. 

CobraJoe > DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By 09/05/2018 at 17:30

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I am hesitant to ride by bike anymore. It genuinely gives me cause for concern. Not for the lack of my riding abilities, but the rest of the cell phone wielding, Starbucks drinking, Instagram loving scum who we must share the road with. The thought of anything happening to me, or worse, my wife, as she quite often rides on back, will not leave me alone.

Sounds like you’re more worried about the environment than the bike itself. Could you take it to a track instead of on the street? Sure, the speeds are faster, but there won’t be anyone texting on a track. Or plan for road trips that avoid busy highways. Or consider dirbikes instead of street bikes. Or consider a trike (like a Polaris Slingshot) instead.

But don’t feel too bad about it. Priorities change, interests change, your amount of free time changes. If you’re unsure about selling it, m aybe try putting your bike in storage for a few months and see how much you miss it. There are a few vehicles I regret selling, and even though I could afford to buy a replacement, it’s not always the same.

In the end, I’ve gotten to the point where I actively try to avoid worrying about the “what ifs”. I’d rather risk the increased chance of injury than a 100% chance of depression (which was a real result for me) .

TheRealBicycleBuck > BeaterGT 09/05/2018 at 17:31

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On a whim, I found a hang-gliding school which offered “discovery” rides and took them up on their offer. Central Texas is pretty flat, so gliders here are launched via tow rig or aerotow. Tow rigs can be mounted on the ground, in t he back of a truck, or on a trailer. My instructor had a glider with pontoons, so my first flight was from a tow rig on a boat. This isn’t me or my instructor’s rig, but it’s the same setup.

After I learned the basics on a small training hill, we went to north Texas to complete foot-launch training. Once I was certified on that, we went back to central Texas to complete a erotow training. Most of my flights have been from aerotow. Again, not me, but this is the same setup.

The tow aircraft is a Bailey-Moyes Drago nfly ultralight.

There are several schools in the NY/NJ area if you are interested in learning. At least try out a discovery flight. If it doesn’t scare you, you’ll love it.

BeaterGT > TheRealBicycleBuck 09/05/2018 at 17:32

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Great info, t hank you!!!

wafflesnfalafel > DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By 09/05/2018 at 17:33

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G et yourself a life insurance policy - does wonders for the guilt/anxiety of doing things you enjoy. And in all seriousness, sure, your time needs to be re-focused, and there are options to mitigate potential risk  but that doesn’t mean dumping things that make you, you. Life is risky.  And there is value in sharing your loves with your family.  

Powershiftmedia-ResidentDSMGuru > DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By 09/05/2018 at 17:38

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Oh boy. This resonates with me. I’m 29, but before my marriage failed I’d done 6 years with this woman, and we have the most amazing daughter together. I had a bike back a few years ago. I did ride it, and I have a dangerous career. There isn’t a day that goes by that when I’m driving my big rig that those thoughts aren’t in the back of my head. I may not be married anymore, but I have a 6 year old little girl that counts on seeing me every weekend. Nothing in life is more important than her.

That being said you still have to have your passions. It’s a hard balance. Marriage changes everything. When you have kids it changes even more drastically. 

E92M3 > DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By 09/05/2018 at 17:44

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One of the worst days of my life was the day I went to my friends house and had to tell his wife John wasn’t coming home. They had a 4 month old baby, that never will remember his dad. He wore full gear (full leathers, boots, gloves, brand new ARAI full face helmet), and a 16 year old girl turned left in front of him, he was going just 40 mph, but he still died in stantly.

I tried to keep riding after that , but it became too stressfull. Everyone else on the road was a split second away from killing me. I never wanted my wife to go thru what John’ s wife went thru. It was hard at first, nothing provides the same fe eling of riding a motorcyc le. It’s like going thru withdrawal from a drug addiction, but with time you DO get over it. This was before everyone had smartphones. There’s no way in hell I would ride on the streets today.

DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By > E92M3 09/05/2018 at 18:17

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Damn, my worst fear right there 

bob and john > DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By 09/05/2018 at 18:17

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I cant in good concious say you should give up street riding. there is a thing to be said for traveling the world on 2 wheels.

however. track or off-roading might be more what you are looking for. I dont blame you about being a little nervous around those who are less then attentive.

also, sure that nagging feeling a worry the ducati might break down ? :P

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By 09/05/2018 at 18:19

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Cnsider changing how you channel your hobbies - maybe take up hiking if you like being outdoors and seeing some neat sights while in someplace out of the ordinary. Or if you like bikes and riding, consider getting a small dirt bike and doing weekend rides down groomed trails. If you like building/tinkering then consider fixing antiques or something neat and a bit different.

Id you feel unsafe, you’re gonna feel unsafe. I don’t think you can be talked out of how you feel. And I'm speaking as an unmarried man with no kids so this is my more selfish perspective but I feel that the worst thing to do is give up on having hobbies altogether. I feel like people who have interests and pursuits outside of having a job and kids are more interesting overall and it helps them be better people to, in turn, raise better kids and have better relationships. Heck, you can even take up photography and just go around to bike shows or even dealerships and take pictures of bikes if you just want to be around them. You'll find something to channel yourself into.

E92M3 > DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By 09/05/2018 at 18:23

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Stick to track days or dirt bikes. I sold my bike and bought myself a S2000 and started doing trackdays . It helped me get thru it.

dsigned001 - O.R.C. hunter > E92M3 09/05/2018 at 18:42

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This. Even track days (riding) every weekend are going to be safer than city driving. Less stuff to hit, you never have to go on the track if it’s snowing/ raining/you forgot your helmet/etc. And it’s arguably more “fun” than riding

nermal > DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By 09/05/2018 at 18:45

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Look in to trackdays and racing. Yes, the speeds are higher, but the safety factor is as well. You don’t have to worry about 16 yr old girls text messaging, old people, assholes in BMWs, dump trucks, guard rails, cliffs, dirt / gravel / water in the road, or any of the other crap.

If safety is your biggest concern, take a riding school like YCRS that will teach you how to actually ride a motorcycle without crashing.

Then look into vintage racing. Why? Because it’s all grumpy old men that don’t want to hurt themselves (or knock their carb tuning out of adjustment). If you must run a modern bike, the 650 class is the safest. The 300s are all 14 year olds that are 100lbs and fearless, and the 600 / 1000 classes are a combo of squids, people that are legitimately fast as shit, or people that think they are fast and end up riding over their heads.

You can make it a family event as well, by camping at the track.

I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker > DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By 09/05/2018 at 19:01

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If it's that big of a stressor, which I totally get, do track days. Do off road stuff. Hit the dunes. If there's no cars around you, you won't get hit. Ride safe!

SilentButNotReallyDeadly...killed by G/O Media > Akio Ohtori - RIP Oppo 09/05/2018 at 19:19

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Why not both.jpg

SilentButNotReallyDeadly...killed by G/O Media > DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By 09/05/2018 at 19:21

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I started mountain biking when the Lad came along...mostly so I'll remain fit enough to keep up with him down the track...

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By 09/05/2018 at 20:13

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I gave up riding when I got married. I g ave up a part of who I am when I did that. It wore on me emotionally (among other hobbies I gave up). It was bad. A couple years ago I started getting back into these things. My happiness was instantly through the roof. But my wife couldn’t reconcile with my dangerous hobbies and time spent out of the house (not excessive, 1 day a week usually) and had no interest in joining me. I’m no longer married, and happier than I’ve been in years.

Point being, don’t give up a part of yourself for someone else. Whether that’s your motorcycle, or knitting, or whatever. For the record, s he didn’t make me do it, I felt like you did, it was my choice, but I was doing it for her. My hobbies are my therapy and without them I’m a grumpy motherfucker that no one wants anything to do with.

I’m not saying that your situation is the same or anything like that, just telling you mine. Motorcycling is one of two hobbies I need for happiness and sanity, the other being snowboarding. And mountain biking for me, is a close third, but could never replace my motorcycle.

Maybe consider cutting back how much you ride. Or only do track days. I don't know. Whatever you decide, I'm sure you'll have all of our support here in owo.

TheD0k_2many toys 2little time > DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By 09/05/2018 at 21:09

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Give me the bike and i will ride it for you :)

If you arent confident when you ride i would suggest you dont ride. Maybe get into offroad where obstacles are usually stationary?

DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By > bob and john 09/05/2018 at 22:01

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Ha! As luck would have it, I found some drips of fork oil in the garage today. Lucky for me I m oved closer to the dealer, or maybe that’s a bad thing...

nlzmo400r > E92M3 09/06/2018 at 09:52

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I share a similar experience of having to tell my best friend’s mother that her only child was killed at 26. Absolute worst. Live with a ton of guilt, and a pain that truly never goes away, but life must carry on.

I continued riding thereafter, never even considered giving it up. Once I went back to college, I sold my street bikes and agreed with my wife to only ride on the track there after. I was ok with this because I wasn’t in a position to own street bikes anymore, and the track is what I truly enjoyed anyway.

Now a few years later we have a 9mos old baby girl and am married. I miss motorcycling a ton. For my entire 20s it was my life. I worked at a Ducati/Triumph/BMW dealer and did all the track days, commuted (no cars for years), went on road trips, off road adventures etc etc. Its very hard to give up. I still enjoy the racetrack and building race bikes, but getting to enjoy it 4-5 times a year is hard.

Also not in a position to really own fun/expensive cars anymore. But every time I think about doing it again, I remember that the risk, no matter how unlikely, isn’t worth my baby growing up without her father. So I’m still searching for something to occupy my interest that’s more readily available and without such severe consequences. 

BobintheMtns > DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By 09/06/2018 at 17:11

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I recall a poem I read years ago— It was written during the middle ages- during the times of the crusades.

In the poem, as a man is preparing to head off to war- his wife/lover was imploring him to stay with her for fear of him getting killed/never coming back.

They went back and forth, but finally he told her that he must go. His reason being that to shirk from his duty, would make him less of a man, and therefore unworthy of her and her love.

The moral of the story is, what good are you to her if you’re a little bitch?

You’ve got a dope red motorcycle. Rally the fuck out of it.

There are no guarantees. You could be hit by a bolt of lightn ing tomorrow. Be careful, but enjoy your life.